When Ethan and I first married, I remember sometimes I felt so happy that it triggered anxiety. I felt like I was in a movie, right at that part when everyone was enjoying themselves so much, but the music was subtly shifting and you just knew someone was about to die.

I felt that way for a long time, and when I look back I realize growing up held so many challenges that it took a while to get used to a relatively healthy, well-adjusted life as a wife and mother. The tools I had accumulated to handle life were all crafted for coping with depression, rejection, sadness, and a constant feeling that I was an outsider staring through the glass at someone else’s party.

I was not prepared for joy.

I was not prepared for spy games with Mission Impossible theme music in the background.

I was not prepared for plays and theater performances with princesses, evil queens and bearded wizards.

I was not prepared for leafmen, nunchuk fairies, pioneers and bakers.

I was not prepared for a season of such unbridled joy.

It’s sad to say but I never looked forward to being a mom. I was never that woman who volunteered to watch other people’s kids. My own mom struggled with depression so frequently that I couldn’t imagine motherhood being an enjoyable proposition. I was the young bride who prayed that God would make me barren if he thought I wouldn’t be a good mom and I was scared when that first pregnancy came later than I thought it should.

And yet, here I am, nearly twenty years into married life with four Little Women of my own. I’m not sure how or when things shifted, because I think I wanted to be a Grandma before I wanted to be a mom but somewhere along the way, I realized motherhood was the passport that would get me there.

In motherhood, I’ve been gifted with front row seats to creativity, humor, and shenanigans beyond anything I could have imagined. I am amazed and so so glad their first years of life are under my roof. Sometimes I look at them (usually when they don’t know I’m watching) and I think: God, do you see her? Do you see how precious she is? Do you see how much I love her? And I know, he knows.

And I just imagine this love, this delight is a bit like treasure. I’m so thankful that anxiety isn’t stealing these moments like it used to. Every moment I get with this tribe is counted as a gift and I am so so rich.

Happy Mother’s Day sweet friends.

Originally posted May 14, 2023